Eating Like Professional Football Players Is Awesome

I am a proud eater. My grandma is an eater, my mom’s a foodie-slash-eater, I’m an eater, my daughter’s an eater. (I read somewhere that basically everyone from Taiwan is food-obsessed because that island is a delicious culinary taste of the rainbow.)

So my one issue with receptions and parties is that I never feel like there’s enough food. And when I want to eat more food from the limited selections available, I often hold back because it seems quite impolite to go eat four small plates of cheese.

The solution to this problem is actually quite obvious, but I didn’t discover it until tonight: Hang out with NFL ballers! They eat with abandon and they don’t think anything of it if you go for seconds. In fact, when I attended an event of theirs tonight they really encouraged me to follow a platter of chicken wings through the crowded room until I got a good plateful.

Then I watched as the buffet got set out and Shawne Merriman tore right into it without the whole waiting-for-someone-else-to-start dance. Finally, I felt no shame heaping giant quantities of mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, polenta, meat and salmon on my plate. Everyone was doing it!

The players were hanging out in DC tonight because they’re all part of an MBA program at George Washington University. We got a real in-depth explainer on the state of performance enhancing drugs testing by a guy named Don Davis who used to be a Patriot. We learned about Indianapolis from a Colts player. But our favorite new friend was former Longhorn tight end Bo Scaife, who was rocking such a tight suit ensemble that I had him model it for us.

Bo models his pink ensemble for us by doing a little dance. "That turned out so provocative," he said of the photo.
Bo models his pink ensemble for us by doing a little dance. “That turned out so provocative,” he said of the photo.

The New Year Mussels

The thing about holidays is that they tend to be annual, marking time in a helpful way for disoriented people like me. So during last night’s New Year’s Eve celebrations I was reminded of how we spent New Year’s last year. We were in Austin, with my besties Jimmy and Skyler and the clan. Jimmy made a crazy fabulous Spanish feast, including way too many mussels. So Jimmy and I tried to polish them off in our standard, gluttonous fashion.

“These mussels are either going to go in our faces, or in the trash can,” Jimmy said. “So we’re gonna get as many in our faces as possible.” (This is after we had already collectively feasted for the previous two hours. But we didn’t want the mussels to go to waste.)

You can hear someone in the background saying, “I love mussels as much as the next person, but that’s sick.”