Eating Like Professional Football Players Is Awesome

I am a proud eater. My grandma is an eater, my mom’s a foodie-slash-eater, I’m an eater, my daughter’s an eater. (I read somewhere that basically everyone from Taiwan is food-obsessed because that island is a delicious culinary taste of the rainbow.)

So my one issue with receptions and parties is that I never feel like there’s enough food. And when I want to eat more food from the limited selections available, I often hold back because it seems quite impolite to go eat four small plates of cheese.

The solution to this problem is actually quite obvious, but I didn’t discover it until tonight: Hang out with NFL ballers! They eat with abandon and they don’t think anything of it if you go for seconds. In fact, when I attended an event of theirs tonight they really encouraged me to follow a platter of chicken wings through the crowded room until I got a good plateful.

Then I watched as the buffet got set out and Shawne Merriman tore right into it without the whole waiting-for-someone-else-to-start dance. Finally, I felt no shame heaping giant quantities of mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, polenta, meat and salmon on my plate. Everyone was doing it!

The players were hanging out in DC tonight because they’re all part of an MBA program at George Washington University. We got a real in-depth explainer on the state of performance enhancing drugs testing by a guy named Don Davis who used to be a Patriot. We learned about Indianapolis from a Colts player. But our favorite new friend was former Longhorn tight end Bo Scaife, who was rocking such a tight suit ensemble that I had him model it for us.

Bo models his pink ensemble for us by doing a little dance. "That turned out so provocative," he said of the photo.
Bo models his pink ensemble for us by doing a little dance. “That turned out so provocative,” he said of the photo.

A Round of Cheers and Jeers

I’ve been sitting around my living room a lot more lately, since I am too slow to really move around and apparently I could go into labor at any moment. That has allowed plenty of time to consume more pop culture and cast judgement upon it.

Cheers

This Jacoby Jones endzone dance from the Ravens-Eagles game today. It looks like he’s doing some sort of mongolian barbecuing or something … not sure, but it makes me happy:

 

Scott Disick. This guy is the only reason I’ve managed to sit through about four or five episodes of E!’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians. He’s vapid and narcissistic like the rest of them, but he owns it and seems to be a pretty decent father, actually.

Owing to more sensitive gums, I am now flossing numerous times a day. So a big shout out to my favorite floss, Oral B’s Glide Pro-Health. So smooth. You know what else is smooth? Tito’s vodka, which I miss so much.

Jeers

Really!?

American peanut butter giant Jif has decided to make “Jif Hazelnut” to compete with the European hazelnut spread standard-bearer, Nutella. Say it with me now: OUTRAGE! But let’s see what the market decides, cause I don’t see how Nutella addicts will accept any imitators.

And how about one more first-world problem jeer for not-being-able-to-sleep-on-one’s-stomach? This whole sleeping on your side situation is getting old. I know I am supposed to cherish this special time and all, and I am quite appreciative of the miracle of life and all the perspective it brings, but free range sleeping was so nice back when it was an option.